ALY$$A

Kelly Clarkson did a great job on the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl.

So wear me like a locket around your throat.

I’ll weigh you down, I’ll watch you choke.

you are a lamo (:

i am your bff, and you love me(:

my best friend is the weirdest person i know other than me, that’s why she’s my best friend(:

OMG

FUCK

SHIT

DAMNWHAT??

Christmas time venting.

Oh, I don’t even know where to start. I guess I should start by saying I believe I have borderline personality disorder. I haven’t been diagnosed with it, but I honestly believe if I went through the tests to find out if I did, I would be diagnosed with it. Every symptom I’ve seen describes me. I have fits of anger. My emotions are never the right emotions for a given situation. I have extreme highs and extreme lows. I don’t believe in a gray area. It’s either black or white. It is or isn’t. You like me or you don’t. You love me or you don’t. It’s always black or white. You want to be with me or you don’t. There are no buts. I have low self esteem. I’m extremely jealous. I’m jealous of everyone for everything. People say I’m self-centered. People say I’m arrogant. People say all I care about is myself. I’m selfish is what I’m told. I’m thought of as cruel. I’m not any of those things. What I am is misunderstood. No one understands me, nor the way I think. I can’t help how my mind works. Why don’t people get that? Do people think I want to be this way? Do people think I want to be unhappy with myself? Do people think I want to feel like I’m not good enough? Do people think I want to push away the people I love with my anger? Do people think I want to have an abnormal brain? Do people think I WANT to be weird? I don’t. I don’t want any of that. That’s just the hand I was dealt, and I can’t do anything to change it. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of pushing you away. You specifically. You know I’ve been trying my damned hardest to change the way I am. I have been trying to control my anger, and I have been doing AMAZING at it. We hardly ever fight anymore. That’s awesome for us! We’re doing so good now. You don’t understand what’s going on. You do miss the full picture, and pay more attention to the small details. There’s somethings that you have to understand, and I’m writing this is hopes that you will.

Before I get on the subject of our relationships problems, let me say this: I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to give you up. I don’t want to give up on you. You mean the absolute world to me, and all the stars and galaxies too. I truly am in love with you. You have my heart. You have my soul. I am and have always been completely loyal and faithful to you. I don’t lie to you. I tell you the truth, no matter what the truth is. I don’t do anything that I would ever have to lie about. I know I’ve made my mistakes. I have lied before. It also only took me a few days tops to come out and confess my mistakes to you, and I haven’t done them since. Even that has only happened five times at the most throughout our whole relationship. We’ve been together for over a year. The biggest problem in our relationship is trust. You trust me. You have every reason to. The problem lies in the fact that my trust in you is…. well let’s just say, weird. In the past (sorry to bring it up) you’ve lied to me quite a lot actually. All about the same thing, too. It started way back in December of 2010. You lied about it then. I didn’t find out until January. You said you stopped doing that. You made me promises that you would not do that anymore, because you knew how much it hurt me. Then, in March, I found out that you were still doing it and still lying about it. To prove to me that you weren’t doing it, you actually let me keep your computer for four to five months. I wouldn’t even let you have internet access. After we broke up the first time, I looked back on that and thought that I had took that for granted and that you showed me that I could trust you. You took your computer back. Evenutally, we got back together. Once again, you betrayed my trust. You kept doing it and kept lying about it. You’d come confess it to me every couple of weeks, and say you weren’t going to do it anymore. That happened like four or five times. It happened to the point that I thought you didn’t love me. (that and a few other things) One reason though, was that you knew doing that hurt me. You knew it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. You knew it made me cry, and it made me physically sick. You knew how bad it hurt my feelings and my self esteem. It belittles me. It is one thing that I WILL NOT put up with in a relationship. When I would ask you to prove to me that you weren’t doing it, you’d say no. You would tell me that you didn’t want to, and you weren’t going to no matter what I said or how much I begged. You would have let me leave you before you would prove yourself. That said two things to me. 1) You were still doing it, and still lying about it, and 2) you apparently didn’t care about me or you wouldn’t do something that hurt me, and you’d do anything to show me that you were’t doing it anymore. I got fed up with it. I decided that I was going to leave you. You were pushing me away, so I didn’t think it would be too hard. I loved you, but you were putting a wall between us that I could not tear down. When I eventually confronted you with the idea of me leaving you, you didn’t want me to. You still refused to do anything I asked, but you didn’t want me to leave. So, I didn’t. Then, less than a week later, you left me. Shit happened after that, and now here we are. We’re trying to fix everything. It’s been like three weeks that we’ve been working on things. Things have been going great. I told you before we started working on things that if you kept doing that I wasn’t going to work things out with you, and that if you weren’t going to stop I didn’t WANT to work things out with you. Now, to the present. We have had fun together this past few weeks. I have enjoyed it. It’s felt like it’s supposed to feel. We haven’t been arguing, we’ve been getting along great. We found something we both like to do together, and we’ve been doing it when we’re at home, apart from each other. Things have been improving drastically, and I’m really very happy about that. The things that I’m sure of are as follows: I’m sure we can fix our problems, I’m sure my anger has actually changed permanently, I’m sure that we have more hope now, I’m sure that we’re going to get back together, I’m sure that you love me and care about me, I’m sure that I love you and care about you, I’m sure of all but one thing. The one thing I’m unsure about is the thing I’ve been ranting about this whole time. Now instead of having one way to do it, you have two. I don’t want to monitor you like you’re my ten year old child. I want to be able to trust you. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but my trust for you IS coming back. You have some of it. You don’t have all of it just yet, but it is something that has to be earned. The way I know for a fact that you’re getting some of it back is that I’m not nowhere near as paranoid as I used to be about it. I don’t have half of the thoughts that I used to have. I can tell that it’s getting better, and that I’m starting to trust you again. I need some kind of proof thought that you aren’t going to do it. I think it makes you disloyal to me when you do that. It’s also very disrespectful to me. If it hurts me that you do something, and knowingly you do it anyways, that’s not having respect for me. The thing itself it was makes you disloyal when you do it. I don’t think I have to explain that one. All I’m saying is I should be the only one, in any kind of way. I want you to think about this, and do me a favor. I would rather you leave me, than keep doing that and lying about it. If you can’t stop or don’t want to stop or whatever, please just leave me. If you are going to just keep lying to me, not only about that, but about anything, just leave me. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO. I REPEAT THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO. I DO NOT WANT FOR YOU TO LEAVE ME, AND I DO LOVE YOU. I just don’t want to have to deal with being lied to and having my trust betrayed. It’s coming back. Something you have to understand is I have something wrong with me mentally. Something I can’t help. I get impulses about certain things, and when I have the impulse to do it, I just HAVE to do it. I think it would be self-harming if I didn’t. Please don’t get upset with me when I act on those uncontrollable impulses. (ex. checking up on you, asking you a billion questions, etc.) They are things I feel as if I HAVE to do. Just like peeing, burping, blinking, and breathing. I have to do those impulses. I just want you to try to understand me. Understand that you have a different mind and brain than me, and that I most likely have BPD. Try to understand the way I think. Try to understand me, and don’t do anything that would hurt me. Don’t lie to me, and most importantly, don’t do anything that you have to lie to me about. If you know it will make me mad or hurt me, don’t do it. EVERYONE misunderstands me. I want you to be that one person that doesn’t. So if you love me, if you care about me, if you are in love with me, if you think/know that I’m perfect for you, if you care about my happiness, if you care about my feelings, if you want to protect me from being hurt, PLEASE DON’T DO IT. (you know what I’m talking about.) Thanks for reading this whole thing. I really needed to vent. Let me know how you feel. I really hope this doesn’t make you give up on me, although I’m very scared it will.

When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

well….

Since Tumblr is so dead, I’m going to bed. If Tumblr is dead, so is my life. Goodnight<3

Tumblr seems dead tonight.

FOREVER ALONE. :/